Since beginning this blog I have been praying about the direction the Lord desires for my writings. I have been trying different ways of writing even having only written a few different posts. It seems though that within my heart the Lord is calling me to write as I love to and that is from my heart, using my own words, and without trying to change everything. I have stacks and stacks of journals hidden in my bookcase at home, but the thought of someone reading them, or worse, someone reading them aloud makes me very anxious. They are unedited, unadulterated, and the writings contained within them are very sentimental and real.
For my wedding I gifted my husband, Adam, all the letters that I had written for my future spouse along with excerpts of all the entries I had written about him in other journals. Adam has read my writings together with me and not only has it brought a tear to his eye, but it has made both of us cry at times. The way the Lord loves and moves within the lives of His children is astonishing. My husband has also, against my own inclinations, read my writings from this journal to friends as well. Usually the Lord works in deep ways for those who listen to these writings, apart from my own littleness, insecurities, and shortcomings, to which I will never understand.
So, it seems that the Lord is calling me to write from the depths of my heart. This is very nerve wracking for me yet I know that the Lord desires this of me. I have manipulated my writings from the time I started blogging and as I wrote in my own private journal I realized the two ways of writing were completely different. There is this tension within me because I want to write without adulteration and completely from my heart, yet I am anxious to do so. This anxiety comes from being worried about what others will think.
I know that I am not the best writer in the world, with my simple musings that I enjoy jotting down. Yet I am reminded of one of my favorite books by St. Maria Faustina Kowalska. This book, Divine Mercy in My Soul, is also known as the Diary of St. Faustina. Jesus said to St. Faustina,
“What are you afraid of? If you are with Me, who will dare touch you? Nevertheless, I am very pleased that you confide your fears to Me, My daughter. Speak to Me about everything in a completely simple and human way; by this you will give Me great joy. I understand you because I am God-Man. This simple language of your heart is more pleasing to Me than the hymns composed in My honor. Know, My daughter, that the simpler your speech is, the more you attract Me to yourself. And now, be at peace close to My Heart” (Paragraph 797).
I am also reminded of the Parable of the Talents when the servant who hid his one talent did so because he was afraid.
“For it will be as when a man going on a journey called his servants and entrusted to them his property; to one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them; and he made five talents more. So also, he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master.’And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master.’ He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not winnow; so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sowed, and gather where I have not winnowed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness; there men will weep and gnash their teeth’” Matthew 25:14-30.
The servant with one talent was reprimanded for hiding his only talent out of fear while the servants who gave of their talents entered into the joy of their master.
St. John Paul II said, “Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” This statement can even be with regards to our own gifts or talents. Journaling and writing is a great gift for me, but maybe it doesn’t only have to be a gift for just me. In a way I am hoping that my vulnerability reaches others and that through these writings I may ever continue to find myself by giving of myself.
Please bear with me as I continue to discover myself through my writings and as I continue to entrust everything to Jesus who is greater than my little anxiety. My favorite way to write is as a prayer or a letter to God. Often times I start my journal entries with, “Dear Jesus, …” or something similar. I hope to write my blog posts in a similar way, like that of a letter. I know that whenever I have read letters from a friend, an autobiography from a saint, or even the diary of a saint I am greatly encouraged. May this blog be a letter of encouragement to you, my dear friend in Christ.
All photos were taken by Jillian Lim on Adam and I’s wedding day. Jillian is a dear friend to us. Here is her photography website.